Computer
Industry versus Auto Industry
In a show off statement by computer industry spokes-person said: "If the auto
industry kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon".
In response to these comments, The auto industry spokes-person issued a press release
stating:
If the Auto Industry had developed technology like microcomputer companies, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept
this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut
down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast,
and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.
8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let
you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of
the radio antenna.
10. Car companies would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps,
even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
11. Every time a car company introduces a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the
old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
From: Joe
To: Technical Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed That the new program
began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No
mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where
it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to Run some of my other
favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!
Thanks, Joe
Tech Support response:
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife
1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to
un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not
go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep
Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their
cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case
avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as
long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high
maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck.
Tech Support.
Technically
Accurate Answers from Microsoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew
toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?'
in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign
said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his
map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done
it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me
a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Laugh
with Computer People